


Never Good Enough

by KMissouri



Category: Code Geass
Genre: F/M, Heartache, Love/Hate, Mental Anguish, Nightmares, One-Sided Relationship, POV First Person, Prequel, Romance, Secret Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KMissouri/pseuds/KMissouri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you love someone so much, your own fears inhibit your ability to tell them how you feel? Your mind playing tricks on you. Trying to separate reality from an illusion, Suzaku tries to control his feelings for someone who may never return his affection, while trying to keep himself sane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Good Enough

* * *

_I see her every day, and somehow she is more beautiful than the day before._

Love can mean a lot of things, you can use it in so many ways. However, in the life of Suzaku Kururugi, love has taken a toll on him. Every day, he looks into the mirror and sees something else; he can hardly recognize himself most of the time. He liked himself for who he was, because he never imagined himself as something he was not. He understood love in so many ways, and has himself experienced it once in his life but every day, he sees a glimpse of a gorgeous red headed girl – and instantly, he is in awe.

Her name was Kallen – a name that sounded as beautiful as herself. He has known her almost his entire life, and has adored her for a long time, because of her bittersweet personality. As years go by, he couldn't help but notice how stunning she looked every day. Her smile, her laugh, and at a less extent – her body, has brought him on his knees; figuratively. Each time he has ever approached her, he is nervous. Always afraid that he might say the wrong thing to her, or at the most, spill out how she meant to him.

_Every time I look at her, I can't stop thinking about her. I always try to block out her face, but to no avail._

One of his many problems, is that each time he sees her, the very image of her remains in his head, popping out randomly and causing him distress. He sometimes had thoughts, about what would it be like if she was his girlfriend – but knows that he is not good enough to swoon a lady like herself. It was as if those thoughts antagonize him, bothering him in different ways. She was wise and smart, as was he. They both have great aspirations, and they were both good people.

But he still knew that he could never be the type of person for her; but the problem was – he doesn't know what she wants, that was what messed with him more than anything in the world. He knew his life couldn't compare to hers, and knew that he might not be able to give her everything. That was when he realized that he was losing it, as he has never thought of things like this ever. And often times, he asks himself if it was possible that he may be in love with her.

_Some days, I feel as if she walks right past me. As if I was invisible._

Sometimes, more often than not, there have been times where she never talks to him, and walks right past him. It did not sound right, because considering how long he and Kallen have known each other, the least he could expect was a greeting. It's not until he has to approach her and greet her, for her to do the very same. She sometimes never payed attention, leaving any kind of attempt to say anything to her futile. Because of this, this affected his own self-confidence, making himself feel as if there was something wrong with him.

Everyone feels like this, especially women. But in his case, whenever he saw himself in the mirror, he thought as if something was wrong with him. Every night, he analyzed himself to see if he truly was a repellent to her and all kinds of women. These were signs telling him that he may be going crazy thinking about it. Never has anyone impacted him like this, but Kallen made it seem simple just by her presence – and it was slowing driving Suzaku into depression.

_I never know what it wrong. I don't know why I am obsessing over this. Somehow, I feel that this may be bigger than I thought._

Days have passed, and it seemed as if he was losing it. What was probably a simple crush, he feared it was becoming a full fledged obsession. But it was much different; one day as he scrolled in his phone, he deleted every picture he had of her. He removed her number, deleted every text, abandoned every social event that may potentially involve her. And for some reason, he often tried to avoid her. In his mind, he believed that he might still be in love with her, but it did not excuse his behavior.

It was a matter of time when he started to dislike her – turning his feelings for her bittersweet. Each day, his disdain for Kallen grew significantly, he tried so hard not to hear her name, let alone try and understand why he felt like this, for someone he has known for so long. But Suzaku's fears got the best of him, as slowly his psyche was just on the borderline of insane. The more and more he suppressed his love for her, it started to turn sour and turn into hate.

_I truly want to tell her that I love her, but I'm afraid what she might tell me. But most importantly, I'm afraid of what I might do._

He didn't want to bottle this up any longer than he needed too, he wanted to tell confess his feelings for Kallen, but there was one problem – his fears wouldn't let him. He was afraid that she may not be available, or has no interest in men, or probably, reject his love for her. Any of the three would make Suzaku look like a damn fool; he had nearly drove himself insane, only to be shot down like that. But rejection was not what he feared, but what his reaction would be, scared him the most.

Suzaku consistently had nightmares about how he would react if such a thing happened, and each one turned out more horrifying than the next. His nightmares consisted of his forcing himself on Kallen, and the very thought of her crying and struggling against his grip, nearly drove himself to anger and sadness. He could never imagine himself doing anything like that, and if he did, he would not forgive himself for acting upon those dreams.

_Sometimes, I feel that I've stressed myself too much over this. I think that in some way, the very idea of me and Kallen together, is nothing more than a mere fantasy._

Eventually, he calmed down. He realized how much hell his psyche has put himself through, and it finally came to an end. The thoughts and the nightmares, all disappeared in his head. He could barely remember anything that has occurred over the course; but somehow, he believed that he was probably got over his feelings for her and resumed normal thought. He tried the hardest to keep her out of his mind, she was no more than a glimpse – and that was fine for him.

But he still looked back. What if Suzaku told her how he felt? What if he was able to wrap his arm around his new girlfriend? What if she rejected him and he wasn't able resisted the urge to do the most unthinkable to her? Maybe she was nothing more than an infatuation? He stood by the river, and thought about it. And he knew that he would never be able to call someone as gorgeous as Kallen his girlfriend, and saw it more as a fantasy.

Being able to get her off his mind and talk about it to others, has allowed him to take control. There is so much time ahead of him, and hopefully, he is able to spend it right.  _While holding his girlfriend's hand._

**End.**


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